The following are realistic social expectations for each age group:

(Ages 4-5) Preschool Manners

Practical Expectations for Ages 4 - 5:

Greetings—Children of this age are able to learn the basic ritual of looking directly at a new or familiar person and saying “hello” when introduced.  While their speech may still be developmentally immature, they are capable of learning to slow down and speak their clearest.  After much practice, hand shaking should be expected, as should use the other person’s name in simple conversation.

Magic Words and Magic Silence—After much teaching, modeling, and prompting, children at this age should have a nearly habitual use of “please”, “thank you”, “May I please be excused?”,  and other simple words and phrases.  A much harder skill, because of its use of self-control, is learning when and how to be quiet.  This skill is very important, however, because it affects conversation manners, as well as many others.  With lots of practice and some small tricks, it really can be achieved, especially toward the latter part of this age group.

Telephone Manners—Most children in the younger half of this age group will not be answering phones, but they soon will.  And, it is not too early for them to learn proper ways to do so.  Also, the bane of most parents’ existence is the sudden and urgent need for them the moment they get on the telephone.  At this age, they have the ability to leave you alone, except in cases of emergency (which should not include getting them a snack or admiring their latest bit of artwork…).

Play Date and Party Behaviors—Civil behaviors in these areas are often very hard to enforce.  The excitement combined with the need to share (sharing one’s toys, giving away that present that one would much rather keep for one’s self) often results in the worst behavior.  With instruction in what to do, however, four and five year olds are capable of greeting guests or hosts, saying thank-you in a meaningful way, and saying good-bye to everyone.  They can also be made aware of how to help a friend who may not be getting along with other friends.  They can be gracious gift recipients (regardless of the gift) and while they probably aren’t able to write a thank you note themselves, they are to be part of the note-writing process (helping with the wording, signing his or her name, drawing a picture, etc…).

Sharing, Avoiding the 2 B’s (Bossiness, Boasting) and the 2 T’s (Tattling, Teasing), and Good Sportsmanship—Learning that courtesy provides pleasing results is the goal here, but these skills take time.  A parent can expect moments of great clarity in his or her child at this age, but these are usually quickly followed by frustrating instances of near barbarian disregard for others.  Preschoolers are very competitive and because they are still involved in fantasy play, they make up their own rules as they go along (and, surprise, surprise, they usually the best of everything in their realities).   Toward the end of this period, however, it is realistic to start expecting children to grasp the concepts of sharing, teamwork, and fair play.   

Behavior in Public—With proper instruction, preparation for specific situations, and good manners reminders, children should be expected to “mind their manners” for an hour, maybe two, depending upon the child.  This means that there should be an established and simple list of expectations and the child should be able to comply.   While children may seem fairly “tough” at this age, many are developing fears of being separated from a parent in public.  Learning steps to follow if separated will generally make children a bit less anxious. 

Helping Behaviors—Because of their love of pleasing, it is vital to start developing helping rituals in the home.  Children are ready to expand upon simple “putting away” rituals.  These cleaning up and putting away habits should now be part of his or her normal routine.  He or she is now ready for other simple chores, like feeding a pet or watering plants.  They should also be learning to “look for” work that needs to be done (mom or dad is home with groceries—there are bags to carry inside; there are crumbs on the floor—pick them up).   Anticipating the needs of others is a complex social skill that many adults have not acquired.  One must start early!

Setting a Simple Table Setting and Table Manners—Children of this age are capable of setting a simple table.  They can also be expected to put their napkins in their laps and to not start eating until everyone is seated or when given permission.  They should be able to stay seated and not put their elbows on the table.  They can be expected to ask for food to be passed and to chew with their mouths closed.  They can refrain from singing at the table or making rude noises.  They should be able to avoid “potty talk” and to ask to be excused before leaving the table.  Perhaps most importantly, children this age should be learning to be gracious about meals.  This means thanking the person(s) who prepared the meal and not making any unfavorable comments about the food.

(Ages 5-8) Modern Manners

Practical Expectations for Ages 5 - 8:

Classroom, Playground, and Lunchroom Behavior—With specific instruction and practice, children in this age group should be able to remain seated when necessary, address school personnel appropriately (learning and using their names), line up and walk down the hall correctly, and transfer clean up skills from home to school.  They should also be expected to demonstrate respect for all levels of school personnel, from the custodian and lunchroom workers to the principal.  Relationships with peers on the playground and lunchroom are of their very nature more complex and may take a little more time to master.    The skills needed in these areas will require ongoing practice and discussion.  Some of the social skills that this age group will be developing are the awareness of social cues and the ability to “read” others’ faces and body language, the ability to initiate social interactions and to join groups who are already engaged, and the perhaps most importantly, the regulation of one’s emotions.

Good Sportsmanship—During these early elementary years, children begin to understand the difference between fantasy and untruth.  There is an odd connection between this and teaching sportsmanship.  Because they are truly seeing that they are not always the best and the winner (as they were in their preschool fantasies), this is a time where they should be expected to stop the boasting behavior that was probably prevalent a year or two ago.  For this reason, by the latter part of this age group, these children should be expected to be a winner who doesn’t boast and who thanks his opponent (s) for a good game and a gracious loser who doesn’t complain and who congratulates the winner.

Conversation Skills and The Handshake—At this age, a child’s arsenal of “magic words” should be growing to include “Excuse me” and “Pardon me”, “May I please…”, “No thank you, …”  He or she should also be able to engage more fully in the back and forth of real conversation.  The expectation should not solely be on the other person now.  Taking turns in conversation and looking directly at the other person are skills that should be mastered by the latter stage of this age group.  Developing skills should include acknowledging new participants in a conversation and ending a conversation politely.    While handshaking is probably a bit tentative and limp at the younger end of this group, the children on the older end should have an appropriately firm grip and good eye contact.

Telephone Etiquette—By the age of six or so, a child is probably ready to answer the family phone.  They should be expected to answer clearly and use the family’s preferred greeting.  If the call is for someone else, they should be able to politely find out who is calling and to quietly find the person being called.  Most seven year olds can take messages and should be able to put them in a designated spot.    Placing calls is usually appropriate by first or second grade.  At this point, with proper instruction, a child should look up phone numbers by him/herself.  The child should also be able to identify themselves when placing a call and leave appropriate messages on answering machines. 

Guest and Host Expectations—Children in this age group should be expected to know certain basics of guest behavior.  They should not ask for snack or beverages, unless asking for water.  If offered food, it should be accepted or rejected with no complaint of the choice and if taken, all evidence of it should be cleaned up.  If food allergies are a concern, children should know the specifics of their allergy and how to inform parents politely.  Children should know to be attentive to and follow the rules of the house.  They should also have practiced a protocol for having a parent or caretaker come and get them if they get tired or feel uncomfortable for any reason.   Before leaving, children of this age should know to clean up any mess that was made during their time as a guest.  A difficult issue for children in the younger range of this age group may still be that of leaving the friend’s house.  Learning to take leave in a timely fashion without complaint, however, should be a mastered skill by the latter ages of this group.  Hosts of this age should be able to welcome a friend or friends to their homes.  They should also be able to introduce friends to one another.  If getting a snack, child hosts should know to offer it to their friend (s) first.   When his or her guests leave, the host should walk them to the door and in time, do so without complaint.

Writing Thank You Notes—Children of this age will clearly require prompting to write thank you notes.  Probably through this entire age range, this venture will require a lot of adult supervision, but it will pay off.  Children will eventually see that it is an expectation that is nonnegotiable, that it makes other people feel good, and selfishly, that it keeps the flow of gifts coming!  They should be learning what necessitates a note and when writing a thank you note is just plain nice (special visits, acts of courtesy, etc…).  Children in kindergarten will probably draw a picture and sign it (you can add a sentence or two).  First-graders might be able to write a sentence (with help).  Older children will be able to add to the complexity by including some kind of personal sentiment and doing so with less and less help.

Behavior in Public—Children (and adults!) often have problems with self-restraint in new environments.  Excitement can cause all kinds of behaviors that are just plain embarrassing.   For this reason, children should be “prepped” for going out in public.  With age-appropriate activities (fine adult restaurants may still be a stretch for some children), advance discussion of expectations, and prompting when necessary, most children this age are ready for sitting still as necessary and remaining quiet .  In some places and situations, your child of this age may surprise you with near perfect behavior.  Their interest in concrete rules may result in almost zealous attention to established guidelines. 

Communicating with People with Special Needs—With proper instruction, children at this age should know to use all of their usual manners when meeting or communicating with a person with special needs.  They should know how to ask about special needs politely and to ask a parent if they want more information.  They should also be knowledgeable about the use of service dogs and that these dogs are not to be petted or distracted unless permission to do so has been given.

Helping Behaviors—While peers are becoming an increasingly important part of the lives in children of this age group, parents and teachers are generally the most important people.  Therefore, they are still usually quite cooperative with parents and very willing to do chores.  Because of this willingness and the increased gross and fine motor skills that accompany these ages, this is the perfect time to create consistent, predictable chores.  Hands-on, short, and uncomplicated chores are best.  Also, because these children are still concrete thinkers, a demonstration (or two or more!) is usually necessary.  Also, charts are of great help, since they provide tangible evidence of the child’s chore progress.  The child should also still be working on the skill of paying attention and doing anything extra (if approved first by a parent) that needs to be done.  Discussing the family as a team who has to work together is very helpful at these ages.

American Table Setting and Dining Manners—In addition to the very simple table manners and settings that are learned earlier, these children are ready for a bit more.  By the end of this age range, a child should be able to set a simple American style table.  He or she should know the correct way of sitting at a table, as well as the correct way to hold eating utensils.  He or she should also be encouraged to begin cutting his or her own food and cutting it into manageable bites.  Expectations should also include polite soup eating and beverage drinking.  Dinner conversation should be polite and appropriate and trying new foods should be encouraged.  A polite strategy for refusing food should also be part of a child’s arsenal.  A child should also ask to be excused before leaving the table.

(Ages 9-12) Modern Manners

Practical Expectations for Ages 9 - 12:

Concepts of Respect, Civility and Empathy—The intellectual capability of children within this age group expands greatly and abstract thought becomes easier for them.  At the same time, they begin to see the imperfections of those people they previously thought were perfect (parents, older siblings, teachers, etc…).  Therefore, this is a crucial time to discuss important concepts like respect, civility and empathy.  These are concepts that they are beginning to be able to fully comprehend.  And, most importantly, these concepts give them the necessary tools with which to understand the weaknesses of others.

Advanced Communication Skills—During this period, parents may start seeing an increase in arguing and “sassy” body language.  It is likely that most of this is confined to home.  As frustrating as it is, it is a normal developmental way for children to start trying to form their own identities.   While “choosing one’s battles” forces parents to endure some of this at home, children at this age should recognize that this is not acceptable in public.  They should be able to monitor and choose appropriate facial expressions and body language.  Also, by now, these children are capable of conducting a mature conversation—showing interest, making eye contact, listening carefully, responding appropriately, speaking clearly, and ending the conversation graciously.  Another important social skill is knowing when and with whom it is appropriate to use slang and that it is never appropriate to use foul language.

Public Speaking Skills—The ability to stand in front of others and confidently make a speech (even if it’s just eventually a toast at a wedding!) is generally a learned skill that only grows stronger through practice.  This is an age at which these skills can be introduced.

Written Communication Beyond the Thank You Note—Writing thank you notes is still a habit that probably requires parental prompting, but it is time for children to be introduced to other simple writing niceties.  Knowing how to write a get-well note to a friend or grandparent and signing a yearbook appropriately are two examples.

Borrowing and Lending—Children of this age should be able to engage in this form of sharing in an appropriate manner and without parental intervention.

Showing Respect for Parents and Siblings—Because children of this age are beginning to try and form some independence from their families, previously easy parental and sibling relationships may become more difficult.   This is developmentally appropriate, but children should still be expected to show respect in very fundamental and important ways, such as calling family members by the name that they request, always letting others know their plans, never sharing personal family information, participating in family activities with a positive attitude, helping even when not asked, and arguing in a respectful manner.  Respecting family members’ privacy and possessions is another important skill.

Babysitting Etiquette—While children in this age group may not yet be babysitting independently, many soon will and many are already acting as parent helpers.  There are some basic etiquette rules that they should know and follow when caring for younger children, especially when it is done in someone else’s home.

Personal Grooming—Children of this age are encountering hygiene issues that they haven’t encountered before.  While they have probably been fairly independent in their grooming habits for a while, they will now need some guidance.  They should understand that good grooming is an essential element of being a well-mannered person.  They should also understand, however, that moderation is important (especially in this age of the scented body washes and sprays!).

Electronic Etiquette—It is vital that children realize that the use of electronic devices is a privilege.  They must be well aware of their parents’ boundaries and follow them.    They should know the how to enjoy television, computer time, home telephones, cell phones, music and gaming devices in a safe and courteous manner.

Table Setting and Dining Manners—At this age, children should be able to set a basic  informal table.  They should also be introduced to and familiar with additional utensils and plates.  At this point, they should also learn about variations in table settings and be introduced to customs and traditions that they may encounter when traveling outside of the U.S.  While basic food manners should already be mastered, the skills associated with eating more difficult foods and more complex table difficulties will require additional practice and experience.

(Ages 13 - 16) Preparing to Launch

Practical Expectations for Ages 13 - 16:

In General—Teens in this age range are now capable of thinking about manners on an empathetic level and it would be nice to think that empathetic intention is behind their use of civil behavior.  That is the ultimate goal.  The more probable way of getting children of this age to employ civil behaviors is to help them see that in the short term, they will help them get and keep peers and achieve greater independence from their parents.  And, that in the long term, they can achieve goals that they have set for themselves.    For this reason, you can generally expect to see some good manners at this age that really don’t seem to have an ounce of empathy behind them.  Teens will be trying out these behaviors just to see if they work.  With time and gentle discussion, this empathetic intention will emerge.

Job Skills (pet sitting, babysitting, volunteer work, summer jobs, etc…)—With proper instruction, teens should know what a cover letter and resume are, how to inquire about a job, and how to fill out a job application.  They should also be capable of asking for references and thanking in writing those who provide them.  They should be gaining comfort in simple interview situations and be fully aware of the basics of on-the-job behavior (punctuality, appropriate grooming and attire, and a good attitude).

Entertaining—With parental supervision and guidance, a teen of this age is capable of determining a guest list, planning activities and foods within a budget created with a parent, issuing appropriately timed invitations, and as a host, handling problems that aren’t serious.    As a guest, he or she should be aware of the importance of responding in a timely fashion to invitations as well as finding out what is expected of him or her in terms of dress, schedule, and transportation.

Advanced Communication (written and spoken) Skills—While parental prodding is probably still necessary, thank you notes should be a regular part of a teen’s routine.  With proper instruction and the appropriate supplies, teens of this age are capable of picking out appropriate commercial cards as well as writing various other notes and letters.  Writing sympathy notes are difficult for everyone, adults included.  With instruction, however, teens should be capable of writing them.   Spoken conversation sometimes becomes more difficult, instead of less, when they hit the teen years.  The child who previously showed so much promise in this regard suddenly seems to forget all that they learned and gains some new rude behavior to boot!  With review and non-public reminders, they are quite capable of “remembering” their skills.  Furthermore, they should be learning how to make proper introductions, including introducing themselves appropriately and starting conversations.

Electronic Etiquette—Teens should know the appropriate use of cell phones, email, internet social sites, and texting.  They should also be clear about the importance of privacy concerns and safety issues.

Respectful Disagreement—With their newfound intellectual and developing empathetic abilities, teens are capable of practicing and mastering respectful with disagreement—with peers, parents, and siblings.  This requires mental organization, self-control, good listening skills, acknowledgment of the feelings of others, and probably most importantly, knowing when to quit arguing.

Fine Restaurant Dining and Tipping—As teens reach the older end of this age range, they should be capable of self-assuredly eating in nice restaurants.  They should know how to call for reservations, check a coat, how to order according to budget (or to order appropriately if someone else is paying), how to deal with dropped silverware or napkins, and how to pay.  How to tip in this and other settings should also be part of their social etiquette arsenal.

The Civility School in Charlottesville, Virginia educates children in proper manners, etiquette and social skills.  For more information, please contact us or register for a class today.